a defence of girl talk

The most prominent criticism of Girl Talk is that his work is simply comprised of other artists' music. Such an argument is typically presented as though Girl Talk fans are somehow unaware that his music is sampled, or that awareness of such a fact will detract from the enjoyment of the sweet, sweet ear candy.

I suppose I wouldn't mind conceding that Gregg Gillis is not a musician. Although I'm admittedly unaware of his musical prowess, I guess I can admit that Night Ripper and Feed the Animals don't represent any virtuosity on his part. Instead, Gillis is one of the best songwriters of our time, crafting 40- and 50-minute long works of epic pop-etry with the unfathomable constraint of using only material that already exists. The sheer breadth of Gillis's music library is impressive on its own; the seamless interweaving of his collection's very best moments is positively staggering.

Gillis combines the first verse of Eminem's "Shake That" with Yael Naïm's "New Soul" (the song from the MacBook Air commercial) into a bubbly hip-pop classic. Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" and Three Six Mafia's "I'd Rather" become a hilarious (and rockin') call-and-answer. The last twelve or so minutes of the album build unimaginable momentum from the ritzy piano of Chicago's "Saturday in the Park" behind the Quad City DJs to the dazzling crescendo of Journey's "Faithfully" supported by no less than three samples that I don't recognize. And you know what? That doesn't matter.

Feed the Animals is not so much a composition as a science experiment, a solution of pop music itself purified of every single imperfection. Weak verses and hackneyed lyrics are left behind in its monstrous wake. Gillis becomes the unacknowledged legislator of pop music as a whole, stringing together gem after gem into a 50-minute all-star jam session. It's adored by music nerds (like me) who marvel at the omnipresent "Crank That" chorus over the iconic guitar licks of Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak", but it's also enjoyed by fratboys who like Lil Wayne and parents who think it's funny to hear kids listen to ? and the Mysterians again.

It's always been my opinion that a fair appraisal of an album is its ability to move a listener. Girl Talk simply makes listeners want to move. It's a party on a disc. And it raises questions in the mind of everyone who hears it: 1.) How could anyone think to make something like this? 2.) Why has no one done this before? 3.) Where can I find more of it?

Answers:
1.) Because Girl Talk owns.
2.) Because Girl Talk owns.
3.) Still trying to figure that one out.

Linux sucks, redux

Okay, okay, Linux doesn't suck. But it's not right for me. Let me present some numbers that will perfectly illustrate the difference between Windows Vista and Ubuntu 8.10.

Time spent installing updates
Windows Vista: 3 hours
Ubuntu 8.10: 2 minutes

Time spent setting up a network bridge
Windows Vista: 2 minutes
Ubuntu 8.10: 3 hours to no success

Both of them suck, but I know which one I'm going with. Oh well. Maybe Jaunty Jackalope will do it for me.

point / counterpoint

Point:
Knowing Latin is awesome, because any idiot can shoot off a simple conversation in Spanish, but being able to translate classical texts is an awesome ability to have.

Counterpoint:
Being known as "the student who knows Latin" in class can be somewhat unpleasant.

Presidential Debate drinking game

One drink
Obama: "Look,"
McCain: Any attempt to distinguish self from Bush administration

Three drinks
Obama: "... notion that..."
McCain: "... earmarks..." or "... pork-barrel spending..."

Five drinks
Obama: Stuttering/vocalizing for more than three seconds
McCain: Creepy old guy smile

Finish drink
Obama: "... my Muslim faith..."
McCain: "... gooks..."

mixed messages

No, sorry AIG, we'd love to help you guys but it would send a bad message to investors downplaying the risks associated with--

*eight hours later*

Okay but for real though we got this, here's eighty-five billion dollars, peace.

selections from my Google search history

"back pain"
"my back hurts"
"can i get vicodin for back pain"
"is the real white house like the west wing"

excerpts from English department brochure, Cleveland State University, 2008

"... the English department career advising office doubles as a balcony with no railing and a spectacular view of the Cleveland skyline. Please note that the English department is conveniently located on the 18th floor of Rhodes Tower to assist in your problem solving."

"Successful alumni:
Salty Lucas Finnegan, panhandler, East 18th and Prospect LLC
Jimmy Gascan McScroogie, rapscallion, Edgewater Park Picnic Table, inc.
Three-fingered Ed, currently between jobs"

Palin' in comparison

In the short hours since John McCain selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate, the decision has been hailed by pundits and bloggers alike as anything from baffling to brilliant. Or so I'm guessing, because I've been in class, pondering the logic behind this decision instead of the novels of Eliza Haywood or the finer points of ballad stanza.

The choice of Governor Palin for Vice President is somewhat unconventional for a number of reasons - she's young, female, and a political greenhorn to such an extent that makes Senator Obama look like Senator Byrd. At first this might appear to be a case of simply balancing the ticket - Governor Palin shares several characteristics with Senator Obama (female, not African-American, of course - but demographically underrepresented) where Senator McCain could be likened to Senator Biden in experience and age. Each party is putting a different foot forward.

The more troubling idea is that the selection of Governor Palin is to court Senator Clinton supporters disenchanted with the Democratic Party after the nomination of Senator Obama. One might not expect such a gesture to cause voters to switch parties until one considers the recent poll that put 21% of Clinton supporters voting for McCain in November, with another 27% undecided. Should the selection of Governor Palin serve to increase those numbers further, the lack of a united base could be the Democrats' undoing in a year when they should be absolute shoe-ins. If this is the GOP's motive, it stands as an insulting and dangerous move, even by their standards. Trying to lure in Hillary's supporters with a commercial was shady enough - making an actual campaign decision over it is offensive to the popular Alaska governor, who's now more or less bait at the end of the Republicans' rod.

And I'm really not one to extensively consider John McCain ill-health scenarios, but this one would be especially grim. I do not consider a lack of experience in Washington a distinctly bad thing; indeed, candidates who distinguish themselves from the corrupt rank-and-file of Washington are decidedly appealing. But a candidate needs at least a modicum of familiarity with national politics. Governor Palin has held her position for about a year and a half after serving as mayor of a city smaller than the audiences to whom she'll speak. Should McCain run into a health issue, this woman will be sitting across the table from Ahmadinejad. (Okay, just kidding, we probably would have bombed them by then.) And the Republicans say Obama's inexperienced?

On the other hand, this is all a huge gamble for the GOP. They're essentially betting that the amount of Clinton voters garnered by Governor Palin will be substantially greater than the amount of far-right misogynists who might jump ship (and who, I might add, already aren't too keen about a McCain presidency). And besides, any Clinton hold-out who doesn't support Obama now is likely not smart enough to realize that a soccer mom-looking candidate could rule the free world, or even perhaps that the office of vice president exists at all.

Biden's going to have to handle his debates gracefully as well, because I don't even want to think about the media narrative if it gets ugly. "VETERAN WASHINGTON INSIDER VERBALLY ABUSES BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED MOTHER OF FIVE."

reasons Ohio is better than where you live

1.) Cedar Point
2.) The best library system in the nation
3.) Dennis Kucinich

funny things

"For here or to go?"
"... well, I'm going to have half now and take half home, so you figure it out."

When someone underestimates the weight of a door.

the drinking age

The recent discussion about the drinking age seems like decent enough blogging fodder. Especially because I haven't written anything in awhile.

The debate about the drinking age skirts the real issue of the futility of attempting to legislate a societal fixture. As anyone who's been to college can tell you, the notion that the drinking age plays any significant role in alcohol availability is silly. A student with a brain and a friend can drink when and where he or she wants regardless of his or her age. However, the fact that so much campus drinking is illegal under current legislation makes it impossible for college administrations to handle the issue with responsibility or realistic policy - condoning lawbreaking sends a less-than-inviting message to parents with a fistful of tuition dollars. Colleges are acutely aware of the importance of the issue and inundate freshmen with garbage like AlcoholEdu, now a mandatory aspect of most any Introduction to University Life course. The target audience of such programs is unknown to me. For anyone who does not yet know the risks of drinking upon entering college, trying to convince them of such is like trying to convince your old racist great aunt that Obama isn't a Muslim. If mandating such programs is enough to garner an insurance break for colleges, fine, but we need to stop pretending that it's getting to the heart of the problem.

Lowering the drinking age to 18 would have a positive effect in fostering the concept of drinking as an issue to be addressed instead of a crime to be punished. During my time at the University of Dayton, they had a program once a semester called "How Much Do UDrink?" which purported to offer students a chance to received unbiased and non-judgmental feedback on their drinking with regard to their health and academic careers. Such an initiative was welcome in the face of all the "alcohol is evil" indoctrination that most college students will be used to.

The drinking age does next to nothing in keeping booze out of the hands of college students. And allowing 18-year-olds to purchase alcohol would let them consume responsibly in a bar or restaurant instead of buying a handle from an upperclassman and putting it away in short order. In addition, it would remove some of the mystique of alcohol use and no doubt blunt the impulse to get blackout drunk as soon as one sets foot in a dorm.

Such an idea is not without its pitfalls. Of primary concern is the fact that lowering the drinking age to 18 would make booze far more accessible to high schoolers. Early studies have shown that the popularity of seniors would roughly triple. I'm as progressive as they come, but the prospect of rosy-cheeked and newly-driver's-licensed sophomores driving home with a few beers in their system is worrying enough as is. To make the age of consumption 18 would be to eliminate an obstacle in the way of that happening. Of course there are always older siblings and fake IDs, but opening up alcohol purchasing to a full quarter of a high school class is going to have some effects on availability.

Therefore, let's make the drinking age 19. This is the quick-and-dirty solution. I'd love to suggest something like requiring a high school diploma (perhaps denoted on a driver's license or something) for 18-year-olds to buy alcohol, so as to assuage the common complaint of "I'm old enough to serve my country, etc." But that's probably too ambitious and costly for serious consideration. So 19 is the right answer. Low increase in availability to high school students, and opportunities for college students to drink responsibly (like they are anyway). The notion that people are going to wait to turn 21 is one of the silliest suppositions in society - it's time to tweak the law to be in line with reality.

Motions to reconsider

S.96 - Illegalizes park bench napping. (Does not override municipal regulations.)
S.123 - Provides monies for harvesting fallow fields.
S.249 - Officially exchanges the meanings of “prole” and “rube”.
S.294 - Grants tax-exempt status to occupied swing sets.
S.621 - Replaces one dispute with another. Pays lip service to conscientious objectors.
S.699 - Names Senate class hamster “Filibuster.”
S.764 - Allows export of Uncle Sam effigies.
S.802 - Subsidizes larkspur seeds for landscaping corporations.
S.963 - Speaks disparagingly of would-be expatriates.
S.1212 - Increases demand for Uncle Sam effigies.
S.1590 - Distributes FEMA support to victims of the Cleveland chest hair vortex.
S.1694 - Demotes one- and two-letter words to new “wordoid” classification.
S.1893 - Emboldens our enemy.
S.1912 - Emboldens the font on interstate signs.
S.2104 - Allows an appeal from unpardoned turkeys.
S.2285 - Equivocates.
S.2286 - Equivocates again.
S.2766 - Provides monies for harvesting fallow fields.

Write Against

I require a lobster at three in the morning.
I require a drive-thru Mount Rushmore.

Demonstrate for me the next year's model.
Talk about the colors available from the factory,
about the same tunes droning from the stereo,
from under the hood.

Let me valence you, baby.
Let me short out the sparkplugs
of your neurons
in Lake Michigan.
You can crack me open
like a pomegranate,
wash out in the wharf
the grotto of my head,
encapsulate me in a blurb.

Experience the fronds in my stead and blog about them.
Open the moon roof; be my orrery.
Demonstrate for me the sky.

requiescat in pacem

I don't purport to be able to give any more fitting a tribute than the many better men and women who have already spoke in this regard, but I would be remiss to remain silent upon the loss of probably the finest journalist of our era.

The enthusiasm and respect Tim Russert had for the fields of journalism and politics were absolutely unparalleled, and it is a depressing notion to consider the remainder of this election season without his passionate, informed commentary. This is to say nothing of his long-held position as host of Meet the Press; I cannot imagine that his successor will be able to live up to his legacy.

Exhaustive research, nonpartisan fairness, and an absolute love for his craft were his hallmarks. As Senator Obama put it, he was the standard-bearer for serious journalism today, and the void left in American news upon his passing will not soon be filled.

Tim Russert - 1950-2008. RIP.

on scheduling difficulties

So ENG 301, Advanced Expository Writing was canceled this summer. The only applicable course in its time slot is ENG 348, Studies in Multicultural Literature. Ugh.

MOOD: EMO
MUSIC: LINKIN PARK

away messages you will never see

"My significant other seems well above average to me, though I admit that I may be somewhat biased."

"I think my professor's expectations for (particular course) are meaningful and reasonable."

in which I lambaste the democrats

Homophobia = bigotry, end of story. But don't expect me to attack the republicans on this one, because they have a more reasonable view on gay marriage than democrats do. Republicans point to the Bible's saying that homosexuality is immoral. For someone who reveres the Bible as the literal, perfect, all-relevant word of God, such a belief makes sense. (Discussing all the other beliefs that this implies is beyond the scope of this entry.)

Democrats now like to talk about civil unions. All the benefits of a marriage. But not really a marriage. It's almost like they want straight people and gay people to be... separate, in a way. But still... almost, I don't know. Equal? Separate but equal? That's never caused a problem before, right?

Talk about political convenience.

musings

People need to cool it with the whole "I'm overworked" away messages. We're in college. You're not unique. Get a grip.

linux sucks

That's right, Linux sucks.

Linux has one explainable demographic: the computer geek whose life sucks so bad that he or she (okay, he) needs to have constant problems to fix in order to validate his self-worth.

It's more stable! It's more stable! You'll never want to go back to Windows. By the way, we don't have drivers for your wireless card. Use this program to emulate the Windows version of the driver. Oh, and you know how you never have to restart Linux? Well, you have to restart it now. And then it's never going to successfully boot up again.

Because aside from requiring two different installer discs, throwing errors that no one has any conclusive idea about, and freezing upon startup or shutdown, Ubuntu Linux makes my computer run hot. 90º C hot. Plastic-tablecloth-melted-to-the-table hot.

Maybe my computer sucks. I guess I won't argue that. But if it sucks, it sure is good enough for an (apparently inferior) operating system, isn't it?

The only good thing I can say about Ubuntu is that I never thought I'd be relieved to go back to Vista. The Microsoft Sound is going to be music to my ears after this disaster.

musings

If you've ever taken an elevator down one floor, and you're not physically handicapped, you deserve to be.