a defence of girl talk

The most prominent criticism of Girl Talk is that his work is simply comprised of other artists' music. Such an argument is typically presented as though Girl Talk fans are somehow unaware that his music is sampled, or that awareness of such a fact will detract from the enjoyment of the sweet, sweet ear candy.

I suppose I wouldn't mind conceding that Gregg Gillis is not a musician. Although I'm admittedly unaware of his musical prowess, I guess I can admit that Night Ripper and Feed the Animals don't represent any virtuosity on his part. Instead, Gillis is one of the best songwriters of our time, crafting 40- and 50-minute long works of epic pop-etry with the unfathomable constraint of using only material that already exists. The sheer breadth of Gillis's music library is impressive on its own; the seamless interweaving of his collection's very best moments is positively staggering.

Gillis combines the first verse of Eminem's "Shake That" with Yael Naïm's "New Soul" (the song from the MacBook Air commercial) into a bubbly hip-pop classic. Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" and Three Six Mafia's "I'd Rather" become a hilarious (and rockin') call-and-answer. The last twelve or so minutes of the album build unimaginable momentum from the ritzy piano of Chicago's "Saturday in the Park" behind the Quad City DJs to the dazzling crescendo of Journey's "Faithfully" supported by no less than three samples that I don't recognize. And you know what? That doesn't matter.

Feed the Animals is not so much a composition as a science experiment, a solution of pop music itself purified of every single imperfection. Weak verses and hackneyed lyrics are left behind in its monstrous wake. Gillis becomes the unacknowledged legislator of pop music as a whole, stringing together gem after gem into a 50-minute all-star jam session. It's adored by music nerds (like me) who marvel at the omnipresent "Crank That" chorus over the iconic guitar licks of Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak", but it's also enjoyed by fratboys who like Lil Wayne and parents who think it's funny to hear kids listen to ? and the Mysterians again.

It's always been my opinion that a fair appraisal of an album is its ability to move a listener. Girl Talk simply makes listeners want to move. It's a party on a disc. And it raises questions in the mind of everyone who hears it: 1.) How could anyone think to make something like this? 2.) Why has no one done this before? 3.) Where can I find more of it?

Answers:
1.) Because Girl Talk owns.
2.) Because Girl Talk owns.
3.) Still trying to figure that one out.

Linux sucks, redux

Okay, okay, Linux doesn't suck. But it's not right for me. Let me present some numbers that will perfectly illustrate the difference between Windows Vista and Ubuntu 8.10.

Time spent installing updates
Windows Vista: 3 hours
Ubuntu 8.10: 2 minutes

Time spent setting up a network bridge
Windows Vista: 2 minutes
Ubuntu 8.10: 3 hours to no success

Both of them suck, but I know which one I'm going with. Oh well. Maybe Jaunty Jackalope will do it for me.

point / counterpoint

Point:
Knowing Latin is awesome, because any idiot can shoot off a simple conversation in Spanish, but being able to translate classical texts is an awesome ability to have.

Counterpoint:
Being known as "the student who knows Latin" in class can be somewhat unpleasant.

Presidential Debate drinking game

One drink
Obama: "Look,"
McCain: Any attempt to distinguish self from Bush administration

Three drinks
Obama: "... notion that..."
McCain: "... earmarks..." or "... pork-barrel spending..."

Five drinks
Obama: Stuttering/vocalizing for more than three seconds
McCain: Creepy old guy smile

Finish drink
Obama: "... my Muslim faith..."
McCain: "... gooks..."

mixed messages

No, sorry AIG, we'd love to help you guys but it would send a bad message to investors downplaying the risks associated with--

*eight hours later*

Okay but for real though we got this, here's eighty-five billion dollars, peace.

selections from my Google search history

"back pain"
"my back hurts"
"can i get vicodin for back pain"
"is the real white house like the west wing"

excerpts from English department brochure, Cleveland State University, 2008

"... the English department career advising office doubles as a balcony with no railing and a spectacular view of the Cleveland skyline. Please note that the English department is conveniently located on the 18th floor of Rhodes Tower to assist in your problem solving."

"Successful alumni:
Salty Lucas Finnegan, panhandler, East 18th and Prospect LLC
Jimmy Gascan McScroogie, rapscallion, Edgewater Park Picnic Table, inc.
Three-fingered Ed, currently between jobs"